I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
