Sponge bath it is.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
