like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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