why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
