Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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