I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
