I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
