DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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