Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
