Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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