im six kinds of drunk right now
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
