is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
