I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
