my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
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i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I just googled if crying burns calories
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
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The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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