i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
