I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
