He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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