Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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