I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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