Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
and i looked up. we had an audience...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
