my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
its not stalking. its research.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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