I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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