I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
