I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
