I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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