I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
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