Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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