Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
