You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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