My liver just broke up with me...
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
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I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
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If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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