Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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