Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
