Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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