i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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