Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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