Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
40s are totally the cure
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
