Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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