i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
