I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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