thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
