Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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