If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
