How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
