why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
