Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
