woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
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WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
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WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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