Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
