I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
