I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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