i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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