Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
