Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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