Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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