im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
