don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Is Oprah even human
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
