dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
