u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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