now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
