I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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