Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
