Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
