It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
