would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
