Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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